The Rotary Club of
Mount Eliza
Chartered 1971
Club Information
Mount Eliza
Service Above Self
We meet Tuesdays at 6:00 PM
Currently suspended - Normally, Toorak College
Old Mornington Road
Mount Eliza, VIC 3930
0419 386 900
DistrictSiteIcon District Site
VenueMap Venue Map
Upcoming Events
Board Meeting
Apr 09, 2020
Apr 14, 2020 6:00 PM
Apr 25, 2020
Board Meeting
May 14, 2020
View entire list
ClubRunner Mobile
President's Message
Ross Schweitzer
member photo
The Thoughts of President Ross
'Last month, half of us thought that 'ZOOM' was the noise a car made'. A remark by a Harvard Academic to Evelyn on Friday.
For those among us who imagine the 'Future', we will only reach it if we act now. Aristotle said 'the totality is not, as it were, a mere heap, but the whole is something besides the parts'. OK? Simples.
Then try 'brain trust'. A group of people concerned especially with planning and strategy. Members, there's no - one else; we are 'it'. There's not a secret group of Rotarians out there, waiting to come and save us from torpor.
There are people in communities beyond exhaustion and despair. Living in shipping containers, if that. Who among us has spoken with Pearl Findlay - James, or Don Osborne or Grant Ellers? Among others. [I exclude the 'usual suspects' from this rhetorical question, and thank I you too]. Or sent an email, or tried FaceTime to offer professional help, now the network is well and truly back, well, except for Grant's :-(
One does not actually have to leave the house to use your telephone... Or quote 'regulations', real and hearsay. I mean, contacting someone in East Gippsland via NBN does meet most peoples' social distancing beliefs.
Have we noted how the Talking Heads on TV have segued from describing  'Experts' to 'Leading Experts'?
So, in the event you are so inclined to do something....
Meanwhile I among our Cluster Presidents and District Leaders will ponder:
Fallout from current regulations:
Loss of events. Loss of venues. Loss of Revenue.
Activities we can do now.
Trust Fund use.
ClubRunner: Importance of a working Familiarity. ZOOM features, relative to multi - Club participation.
Changeover [including file updates for Office – holders, Committees; updates for District and RI].
A P C  Adapt Participate Communicate RCME / District / Cluster
East Gippsland Bushfire recovery. D / C
Rotary Centenary Project D / C
South – Eastern Melbourne Primary Health Network SEMPHN D / C
Engaging with  / within Clubs in the next ‘few’ months. D / C
Supporting Communities. RCME / D / C
I was out on Wednesday, in the lovely weather, enjoying a sit down in the park. [I'd walked up Canadian Bay Road from Rannoch Avenue]. blush Nitro - lingual spray in pocket. Then, I was enjoying my daily coffee bought from Peter Grigg at The Sands Bar Cafe. HM Constabulary drove by and said 'perfect afternoon for it'. Common sense is alive and well. smiley
Da Prez
District Governor Elect Mark Humphries
Zoom, What How & Why
Zoom is one of many video conferencing platforms that are commonly used today. At a District level Zoom is the chosen method for online meetings and has been so for several years. Now that we are in a shutdown situation, we need to look at how we can communicate with one and other.
Our club has also chosen to use the zoom platform.  
The HOW:
You will receive an email with a web link (sent to all members on 31 March).
First time users
  1. Click on this link
    1. You will be prompted to install a small piece of software
    2. Follow the prompt
  2. You will be asked to register with Zoom
    1. While not completely necessary, I suggest you do
    2. This will give you access to the zoom platform
    3. You will have the ability to launch your own 40 minute meetings
    4. Gives you a way to communicate with your family and others
  3. Once installed and registered
    1. Use your logon credentials you just made
  4. Next, follow the information below – with Zoom client installed
User with Zoom client already installed
  1. From the email link that was sent to you
    1. Click on the link
    2. Zoom client will automatically launch
    3. Just wait a few second while everything loads
    4. Select Join with Computer Audio
    5. You will then enter the meeting room
  2. Some basic guidelines
    1. Have the camera at Face level
      1. You might think your nostrils look interesting
      2. Don’t walk around
        1. We all get seasick
    2. Have light in front of you
      1. Don’t sit in front of a window with the blinds up
    3. When the meeting is underway
      1. Please mute your microphone
      2. Raise your hand if you want to speak
      3. Use a headset or earphones
The WHY:
  1. We are having fellowship
  2. We are looking at what projects we can do
  3. We are having guest speakers
  4. We are communicating
We all need to stay safe. We all need to listen to the advice being given by the appropriate authorities. We will get through this and come out the other side. This will change the way we do things in the future, not just our Rotary future, but everything we do in our lives.
Be bold, be strong, lets think outside the square at what we as a service club can do.  Thank you to those that have given me ideas of what we can do and how we can continue to be involved in OUR community, it is great to see. Please keep emailing the ideas in.
How to join a Zoom meeting, what this short youtube video
Mark & Linda
Club Meeting Tuesday 7 April at 6.00 pm
This week's Bulletin has deliberately been sent out early to remind members of the ZOOM MEETING OF THE RCME AT 6.00 PM ON TUESDAY, 7 APRIL 
Please see details in President Ross' column, the column of DGE Mark and the story that follows this announcement.
Teaser - also read the story on Riesling for AN OPPORTUNITY
The Presidential Joke for Today
Never be condescending.... to a small child. - The expurgated version.
A young girl, let us call her Eloise, say around 6, visited a pet store. She was with her father [the keeper of all pocket money]. Eloise asked to buy a Country Rabbit. The store owner, let's call him Mr Gilbert, happened to have in his stock [don't they always?] a plethora of such critters.
Let me see, Eloise, said Mr Gilbert, we just received one from Traralgon, one each from Mirboo North and Omeo, and a special white bait eating one from New Zealand.
Eloise turned to her dad, Andrew, and asked which one do you think Philip would like, daddy? 
Her dad, Andrew, replied Oh, I don't think he'll really mind, lovely girl; you pick.
Mr Gilbert [John to his mates] interrupted Eloise and asked 'Is Philip your baby brother, Eloise?'
No, Mr Gilbert, Eloise said, Philip is my pet python. smiley


...... But we never did it that way before..... ZOOM
This site is secure; do not share your password any more than you would your PIN
Our Club meetings are resuming using ZOOM. We are meeting at 6.00 pm tomorrow, April 7.
In order to be a participant please read DGE Mark's column in this Bulletin and follow his advice.
* Download Zoom to your tablet, computer or phone
* Just before 6.00 pm each Tuesday join Zoom meeting Number 417783450
Set your alarm to attend this week's meeting on Tuesday at 6.00 pm
If you have any trouble return to Mark's Column and his 31 March email to all members.
Tip - About five minutes before the meeting make your self a cup of tea or coffee or pour a large glass of wine!
RC Traralgon Central Reads Our Bulletin
As Editor, I recently received an email from a friend of mine, Rotarian Ian Whitehead from the Rotary Club of Traralgon Central.
Our weekly Bulletin is sent to other Rotary Clubs in District 9820 and apparently the Rotary Club of Traralgon Central sends it on to all members. 
Ian said that our Bulletin "is always an entertaining read". Working on the theory that any feedback is good feedback, thanks to Ian for taking the time to write.
A former school principal, Ian is an active Rotarian in Traralgon where among other things he is an enthusiastic golfer, who was Secretary of the Traralgon Golf Club for eight years and someone who, when he has something on his mind, writes letters to The Age newspaper. 
I should disclose that Ian and I join a group of friends for lunch every three months where we enjoy excellent food and masked wines - while I am an amateur Ian has an excellent palate often can identify the wines that each attendee brings along. Unfortunately we won't be able to enjoy our regular lunches until COVID-19 has disappeared.
Letters & Numbers Maths Problem
The popular TV program Letters & Number (Countdown in the UK) has Maths puzzles.
Are you able to use the following five little and one big number to come up with an equation that totals 481?
75   3   2   5   9   4
All six numbers must be used.
A second little puzzle to keep you entertained, happy and sparkling while at home during the COVID-19 crisis
If you watch the program LETTERS & NUMBERS/ COUNTDOWN (in the UK) you will know of the 9 Letter Conundrum
Can you work out a 9 letter word from these jumbled letters?
If you have time, how many other words with four plus letters can you make from these nine letters?
Answer next week
Riesling (pronounced REEZ-LING) is a white grape variety which originated in the Rhine region. This grape is an aromatic variety that displays flowery, almost perfumed, aromas as well as high acidity.
Interestingly Riesling is used to make dry, semi-sweet, sweet and sparkling white wines.
Riesling wines are usually varietally pure and are rarely oaked.
Wines made from Riesling grapes are included in the world's top three white varieties - Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc and Riesling.
The character of Riesling wines are significantly influenced by the soils and terrain of where they are grown.
In cool climates, especially in German wine regions, Riesling wines tend to exhibit apple and other tree fruit notes with high levels of acidity that are often balanced with residual sugar.
A later ripening variety that develops more citrus and peach notes is grown in warmer climates, such as Alsace and parts of Austria.
Whereas many European and some New Zealand Rieslings have fruity semi-sweet overtones, Riesling in Australia is noted for a characteristic lime note that emerges in wines especially from the Clare & Eden Valleys in South Australia which are seen as the best places for Riesling to be produced in our country.
In the 1960s and '70s many wines sold in Australia as Riesling were actually made from Semillon grapes.
Riesling grapes were first planted in Australia in 1838 by William Macarthur at Penrith in NSW.
Riesling was the most planted white wine grape in Australia until the early 1990s when Chardonnay greatly increased in popularity.
Most Australian Rieslings are fermented at low temperatures in stainless steel tanks with no oxidation of the wine and early bottling.
Australian Rieslings are noted for an oily texture and citrus fruit flavours when they are young and a smooth balance of freshness and acid as they age.
As Australian Riesling ages it develops toasty, honeycomb and mineral flavours. Some people identity this mineral flavour as being like kerosine or even petrol. 
The Clare Valley has many great Riesling wine makers including Grosset, O'Leary Walker, Jim Barry, Watervale and Knappstein.
With such a wide variety of flavours and styles, Rieslings can be paired with many different types of food including fish, pork and hard cheese.
Riesling is also able to stand up well to the stronger flavours of Thai and Chinese food.
Late harvest, botrytized Rieslings have immense levels of flavour concentrations that at times have been compared to lemon marmalade. These are excellent dessert wines and are a match made in heaven with blue cheese.
Secret Message - if you would like a bottle of Tim Knappstein 2002 hand-picked Clare Valley Riesling send an email to the Editor at no later than midday on Tuesday 7 April,  saying RIESLING DRAW.
All persons who email will go into a draw that will take place during our Club's weekly ZOOM meeting between 6.00 and 7.00 pm on Tuesday, 7 April.
The winner must be in attendance at that meeting or another name will be drawn.
Five Question Quiz
Introducing an occasional quiz to our Bulletin. Here are five questions with four optional answers. Are you able to get them correct without google?
Answers next week.
1. The party game Twister was originally going to be called what? A Pretzel  B Bender  C Contortion  D Twisted
2. What is the Graff Diamonds Hallucination? A Necklace  B Ring  C  Clock  D Watch
3. The Arnolfini Portrait is a painting by which Dutch artist?  A Jan van Eyck  B Vermeer  C Frans Hals  D Rembrandt
4. Sterlet, Kaluga and Osetra are all varieties of which food?  A Mushrooms   B Cheese  C Caviar   D Oysters
5. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse", is an iconic line from which movie?  A The Godfather  B Gone with the Wind  C Citizen Kane  D Wall Street
Laughter The Best Medicine
During these difficult times it is always good to have a laugh. Thanks to all of the Rotarians and other friends who have been circulating emails with lots of jokes. It is amazing how quickly jokes about COVID-19 have arrived. Several are a little risqué, however I have worked on the theory that these are tough times and we all need a good laugh (Ed)
An elderly woman went into the Dentist’s surgery and asked how much it would cost for a tooth extraction.
The dentist replied, “Our fixed price for an extraction is $380.”
The old woman said, “Oh, that’s a lot money. Have you got anything cheaper for an older patient?
“Well”, the dentist replied, “I could give you a small discount making the price $360.”
“What if there was no anesthetic?” the old woman enquired.
“In that case I could do it for $220”, the dentist said. “However it would be very painful.”
“Hmmmm”, the old woman went on, “What about if we used one of those trainee dentists and still without an anesthetic?”
“Well, it is possible, however they are only training and things could go wrong. It would be even more painful, but I suppose that we could do it for $120.”
“Ah, that’s still a bit much!” the old woman said. “How about if we made it a training session, with the extraction done by one of the students and all of the other trainees watching and learning?”
The dentist thought about it and said, “In that case I suppose that we could do it for $50.”
“Excellent”, the old woman replied, “Can you book my husband in for next Wednesday?”
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Scottish Game keeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'
Man replies, 'My good fellow, I’m English ...... kindly repeat that and speak the Queen's English not some Celtic balderdash.'
Gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.  The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."  The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels, orange peel and six apple cores in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."  The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much at the Cafe where you work," the younger doctor told her.  "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elderly doctor said, "I know that woman well.  Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very hardworking at the Cafe but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the the Cafe owner hiding under the bed."
A suspected Covid-19 male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A nurse wearing full Personal Protection Equipment (PPE) appeared, took his temperature and sponged his face.
"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "I have to know are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the nurse replied, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to take your temperature and sponge your face."
He asked again, "Nurse, please check for me. This is very important, I am so worried."
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying so much, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, moved his manhood to one side and took several minutes to gently examined his testicles.
The nurse looked very closely and said, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulled off his oxygen mask and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. Now listen very, very, carefully: Are - my - test - results - back?"
An American salesman was trapped in Tokyo due to the COVID-19 outbreak. He checked into the latest futuristic hotel where he had to stay for 14 days.
Realising he needed a haircut, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection showing one of the best haircuts of his life.
One metre away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine and placed his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit ... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end of it.
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin and ordered six pints of Guinness.
He sat at a table in the back of the pub and slowly sipped each of the drinks one after the other.
While cleaning tables the barman went up to him and said, “You know that your Guinness goes flat after it is poured. It would taste better if I poured them one at a time.”
The Irishman said, “Well I have five brothers. One is in Australia, one in Canada, one in New Zealand, one in Canada and one in London and I’m in Dublin.”
“When we left home we promised that we would drink this way so that we would remember the days we drank together.”
The barman admitted that this was a nice custom and he left the drinker alone.
The Irishman became a regular and each evening on the way home he came in for his six pints of Guinness.
Some months later, one day he came in and ordered five pints of Guinness. He sat down and drank them in turn.
The barman came over to him and said, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief. However please accept my condolences on the loss of one of your brothers!”
The Irishman looked puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed, “Oh, no”, he said, “Everybody’s just fine. It’s just that my wife had us join the Pentecostal Church and I had to quit drinking. However, it hasn’t affected my brothers!”
RCME Golf Day - Now 20 November.
Rotarian David Rew and his organising committee are now planning to hold our Annual Golf Day on Friday, 20 November.
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P O Box 95 Mount Eliza 3930
We meet at 6:00 PM Every Tuesday at Toorak College