During these difficult times it is always good to have a laugh. Thanks to all of the Rotarians and other friends who have been circulating emails with lots of jokes. It is amazing how quickly jokes about COVID-19 have arrived. Several are a little risqué, however I have worked on the theory that these are tough times and we all need a good laugh (Ed)
An elderly woman went into the Dentist’s surgery and asked how much it would cost for a tooth extraction.
The dentist replied, “Our fixed price for an extraction is $380.”
The old woman said, “Oh, that’s a lot money. Have you got anything cheaper for an older patient?
“Well”, the dentist replied, “I could give you a small discount making the price $360.”
“What if there was no anesthetic?” the old woman enquired.
“In that case I could do it for $220”, the dentist said. “However it would be very painful.”
“Hmmmm”, the old woman went on, “What about if we used one of those trainee dentists and still without an anesthetic?”
“Well, it is possible, however they are only training and things could go wrong. It would be even more painful, but I suppose that we could do it for $120.”
“Ah, that’s still a bit much!” the old woman said. “How about if we made it a training session, with the extraction done by one of the students and all of the other trainees watching and learning?”
The dentist thought about it and said, “In that case I suppose that we could do it for $50.”
“Excellent”, the old woman replied, “Can you book my husband in for next Wednesday?”
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Scottish Game keeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'
Man replies, 'My good fellow, I’m English ...... kindly repeat that and speak the Queen's English not some Celtic balderdash.'
Gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
The Scottish Game keeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'
Man replies, 'My good fellow, I’m English ...... kindly repeat that and speak the Queen's English not some Celtic balderdash.'
Gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels, orange peel and six apple cores in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much at the Cafe where you work," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elderly doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very hardworking at the Cafe but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the the Cafe owner hiding under the bed."
A suspected Covid-19 male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A nurse wearing full Personal Protection Equipment (PPE) appeared, took his temperature and sponged his face.
"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "I have to know are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the nurse replied, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to take your temperature and sponge your face."
He asked again, "Nurse, please check for me. This is very important, I am so worried."
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying so much, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, moved his manhood to one side and took several minutes to gently examined his testicles.
The nurse looked very closely and said, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulled off his oxygen mask and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. Now listen very, very, carefully: Are - my - test - results - back?"
An American salesman was trapped in Tokyo due to the COVID-19 outbreak. He checked into the latest futuristic hotel where he had to stay for 14 days.
Realising he needed a haircut, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection showing one of the best haircuts of his life.
One metre away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine and placed his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit ... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end of it.
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin and ordered six pints of Guinness.
He sat at a table in the back of the pub and slowly sipped each of the drinks one after the other.
While cleaning tables the barman went up to him and said, “You know that your Guinness goes flat after it is poured. It would taste better if I poured them one at a time.”
The Irishman said, “Well I have five brothers. One is in Australia, one in Canada, one in New Zealand, one in Canada and one in London and I’m in Dublin.”
“When we left home we promised that we would drink this way so that we would remember the days we drank together.”
The barman admitted that this was a nice custom and he left the drinker alone.
The Irishman became a regular and each evening on the way home he came in for his six pints of Guinness.
Some months later, one day he came in and ordered five pints of Guinness. He sat down and drank them in turn.
The barman came over to him and said, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief. However please accept my condolences on the loss of one of your brothers!”
The Irishman looked puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed, “Oh, no”, he said, “Everybody’s just fine. It’s just that my wife had us join the Pentecostal Church and I had to quit drinking. However, it hasn’t affected my brothers!”
