Thanks to Past President Ross for these quotes:
“The greatest mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
A fellow woke up in an outback bush hospital and asked why the room was so dark. "Well", said the nurse, "there's a bushfire outside. And we didn't want you to think that the operation had been a failure."
An Irishman returns to Belfast after an Australian holiday. His family ask for a report.
"Australians? The most hospitable people I've ever met. They'll share their house. They invite you to dine with them. They are friendly and share everything. It's those white mongrels you have to watch."