The wit of Gandhi...
"He who stops to ponder and think will generally come out ahead."
When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch in the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table. Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."
Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?
Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."
Mr. Peters, by this time, was beside himself and so great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor, and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
Wit always wins over anger
Two old mates from school met together at the pub having not seen each other for a number of years.
"G'day, Arthur", said Fred. "Haven't seen you for ages. How's the family?"
"Fine", said Arthur. "We've all taken up music. I play the guitar, my wife plays the violin, one of the kids plays the flute and the other plays the saxophone. Come around one night and we'll play you some classical music. Now, how's your lot going?"
"Oh, pretty much the same," said Fred. "We're into martial arts. I've taken up karate, my wife does judo and the kids do tae kwon do. Come around one night and we'll belt the hell out of you!"
The Sydney Symphony Orchestra was holding a tour around NSW when their piano player took ill while in Broken Hill.
They hired the only person available, a local pianist who had once been a stand-in piano player for the Queensland Orchestra. However since moving to Broken Hill he had fall on hard times and hard drink.
While he wasn't in great shape, he was the only person available.
He trundled onto the stage in his stained dinner suit and, with his back to the audience, lowered himself onto a wicker chair that he had insisted on bringing.
Unfortunately, there was a split in his trousers and a gasp of horror from the audience.
"Do you know your backside's showing through the old wicker chair?" hissed the first violinist.
"No", the old bloke said, "but if you hum the tune I'll soon pick up the melody!"
A retired judge, who disliked classical music, was greatly annoyed when his wife pestered him into attending an opening night charitable presentation of Verdi's opera, Nabucco, at the Sydney Opera House.
This particular evening the director had arranged a very eccentric production, combining all sorts of odd, unlikely visual elements.
The old bloke was bored silly and as he sat through the third act, he needed to go to the toilet.
He extricated himself from his second row seat and apologised as he squeezed past scores of knees.
When he finally arrived in the foyer he couldn't find the loo. He pushed at this door and that, still not finding the toilet and becoming desperately anxious as he need to urinate.
Finally, he heard the sound of tinkling water and he dashed to a rear door where he saw a fountain. It was too much and he couldn't bear it.
He urinated into the ornate fountain and quickly left.
Re-entering the front of the theatre on his way back to his seat, as he apologised and squeezed his way through, he was surprised by various slaps on the back and sporadic bursts of applause.
As he sat down, he whispered to his wife, "Have I missed much of the third act?"
"Missed it?" she said," pointing to the stage where singers were now crowded around the fountain. "You were the star attraction!"
In the late 1990s Colonel Gaddafi from Lybia was able to obtain a new fleet of Russian tanks for his army.
Two of his generals were in the middle of the desert, watching as their men tested out the new vehicles.
"These Russian tanks are very good," said one general. "Lot's of thick armour and big, loud and very powerful guns."
"Yes", said the other, "the tanks are very good. However, I'm worried by the operating instructions!"
"What do you mean?' asked the first general.
"Well, " came the reply, "Here under the heading Tactics, it says 'when attacked, retreat and draw the enemy forces deep into your territory. Then await the snows of winter'."
In 1937 the telephone came to Snake Gully and all of the locals signed up with the PMG's Department to have a new fangled phone installed.
Several weeks later, early one morning the phone rang at Dave and Mabel's place.
"Is that Snake Gully 21?" a voice asked.
Dave proudly replied, "No, this is Snake Gully 12!"
"Oh, sorry to disturb you. I must have the wrong number", said the voice.
"No worries," said Dave, "the telephone was ringing anyway!"
