As he was about to retire Bob became worried that during the last ten years at work he had put on almost 20 kilograms.
He was watching television one day when a commercial came on guaranteeing that a person could lose 20kg over a three week period.
"Why not", he thought to himself and he rang the number and signed up for the weight loss program.
He received an email telling him to buy some running gear and be at his from door the next morning at 7.00 am.
He also had to sign a waiver form indemnifying the weight loss company from any action or lawsuit.
Early the next morning Bob answered his front door bell at 7.00 am and there stood a most attractive woman.
She looked at him and said, "We are going running every morning this week. If you catch me you may make love to me". Off she set with Bob in pursuit.
All week, no matter how hard he tried Bob couldn't catch the woman.
At the end of the first week he had lost 5 kg.
At the start of the second week an even more attractive woman turned up with the same message.
Bob raced after her. No matter how hard he ran he couldn't catch the woman. At the end of the second week, Bob had lost another 6 kg.
On the morning of the third week Bob opened the door to see an enormous man with a ferocious look who yelled at him, "Start running. If I catch you I'm having my way with you."
At the end of the third week, Bob was supposed to have lost 9 kg making a total of 20 kg in all. He actually lost 15 kg in that week alone!!
Thanks to Rotarian Alex Anderson for these pieces of sage advice:
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was: ' SHUT UP .'
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
A woman came home from work very late one night and she quietly open the door to her bedroom. She could see that their were two people in her bed rather than just one.
Very annoyed she went out to the kitchen and filled a bucket with ice cubes topped up with cold water. She then raced into the bedroom and dumped the icy cold mixture all over the sleeping couple causing a great kerfuffle.
She then walking into the lounge room to pour herself a stiff drink when she saw her husband sitting on the couch reading a magazine.
"Hello dear", he said "I have a surprise for you. Your parents have come over to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
A woman went missing and her husband was charged with murder.
Witness after witness came to the stand and told the court that he was a nasty husband who had been seen and heard threatening his wife.
Things looked quite bleak for the man when his lawyer went up to the jury.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury", he said, "I have something exciting to tell you. If you would all please address your attention towards the door on my left you will see the supposedly dead woman walk into this court room!"
There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom and every member of the jury turned their eyes towards the door and waited.
Nothing happened and the lawyer then said, "Ladies and gentlemen, to be honest with you, nobody is going to walk through that door. However the fact that you all turned towards the door makes it quite obvious that you are not sure beyond reasonable doubt about my client's guilt!"
The lawyer was feeling very smug with himself so he was greatly surprised when the jury declared that the man was guilty.
"But how could that be?" stuttered the lawyer. "Didn't I prove to you that there was doubt?"
"Well", the foreman of the jury replied, "It is true that everyone on the jury and other people in the court turned towards the door. But there was one person who didn't. Your client!"
