Following the Church service, the guests arrived for an outback wedding reception. They were just getting settled in when the MC strode up to the microphone and announced. "We'll have to cancel the reception. The beer hasn't arrived and the bride just fell as she was getting out of the car and it looks like she's broken her leg and she's been carted off to hospital."
This bad news caused considerable distress to those assembled.
Just as everyone was preparing to leave, the MC raced up and grabbed the mike, "It's okay. The reception's back on. The beer just arrived!"
It was his wife's birthday and the husband decided to cook her some poached eggs for breakfast.
Suddenly she burst into the kitchen. "Careful, CAREFUL", she said. "Put in more water. Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY. Don't overcook them, I like my eggs runny. YOU'RE OVER COOKING THEM!"
She continued on, "Don't forget the toast. TOAST; not too burned. With lots of butter. BUTTER, YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BUTTER!"
As he put the eggs and toast on the plate she continued, "Don't forget to put salt and pepper on them. YOU ALWAYS forget the SALT and PEPPER."
The husband stared at her and said, "What in the world is wrong with you. Don't you think that I know how to cook poached eggs on toast?"
The wife calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I am driving!"
An elderly chap invited one of his Bowls companions to come in for drinks after a long day on the green.
He was impressed by the way his colleague proceeded every request to his wife in endearing terms calling her My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, My Precious and Honey.
The couple had been married almost 80 years and it was obvious that they were still in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen the guest leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you call your wife all those loving pet names".
His friend turned somewhat embarrassed and said, "I have to tell you the truth. I forgot her name about five years ago!"
A visiting American tried to get a room at a hotel near Katherine in the Northern Territory.
"Sorry", said the publican, "We are full up. Not a room available. However you can share a room with the little red-headed schoolteacher if that's all right!"
"Oh, that'll be great", said the American grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry I'll be a perfect gentleman."
"Just as well", said the publican, "So is the little red-headed schoolteacher!"
Q. What's the difference between a male chauvinist and a perfect gentleman.
A. Five or six beers!
It was late on a dark gloomy night when the front door bell rang.
The husband was dozing after a bottle of red wine. As he tried to get up, he stumbled and almost fell over.
Just then the door bell rang again.
The wife jumped up and answered the door.
There stood a terrifying figure in a black hooded coat.
"Who are you?", she stammered.
"The Grim Reaper", came the icy replied.
Thinking quickly, the woman turned to the lounge room and called out, "Darling, it's for you!"
Two vampire bats were hanging upside down in a cave.
One turned to the other and said, "I'm desperate for a drink. I have to taste blood. I'm heading out for a while to find a human."
"Well, you better hurry up", said the other bat. "It's almost dawn and you can't be out when the sun rises."
So the bat left like a bat out of hell. Two minutes later it was back with blood dripping from it's mouth."
The other bat said, "Wow. That was quick. Congratulations."
The first bad replied. "Congratulations? You see that dirty great oak tree over there?"
"Yes."
"Well, I didn't!"
