One year an old sugar can farmer in Northern Queensland who lived by himself made a large profit following a bumper harvest.
He decided to spend some of the money improving his property and allowing him to enjoy some relaxing times.
So he had a contractor dig a very large pond near the side fence of his property. He had some landscaping done with a lovely lawn area, some picnic tables and a delightful flower garden.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
Having been away for several weeks the farmer arrived home one afternoon and he decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while.
As he approached the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted out to him, "We're not coming out until you leave.!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked. I only ate down to feed the crocodile!"
Moral of this story: Old age and treachery triumphs over youth and inexperience ...
The grandchildren of an extremely old woman could no longer care for her.
Both of them were working and they felt that they couldn't leave their 103 year old grandmother alone all day.
They arranged for her to be placed in a nursing home, hoping that she would be well looked after.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her down in a chair at a window overlooking a beautiful flower garden.
She seem to be all right, however after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed to be okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.
This went on all day.
Late in the afternoon her grandchildren arrived to see how she was adjusting to his new home.
"So, Granny, how is it here? Are they treating you well?"
"I must say, it is pretty nice", she replied, "except they won't let you break wind!"
Two very elderly chaps, both in their late 90s, were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The light was red but they just went on straight through.
Old George in the passenger seat thought to himself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn that we just drove through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red and they went straight through.
George was almost certain that they had driven through another red light and he decided to concentrate very carefully.
By this time George was very nervous and paying close attention he saw at the next intersection that they went right across against another red light.
"Bill", he screamed out, "Do you realise that you have just driven through three red lights in a row. You could have killed us!"
Bill, turned to George and said, "What, am I driving?"
Miss Jones, the church organist was 99 years old and about to celebrate her milestone birthday. A celebratory letter from the Queen had been organised by her local MP.
She was much admired by the members of the congregation for her kindness, innocence, religious devotion and prim and proper views.
The local vicar came to visit her and talk about the arrangements that the church was making to celebrate her 100th birthday.
She invited him in her quaint sitting room and asked him to take seat while she went to the kitchen to made a cup of tea and scones.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and floating in the liquid was a condom.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity, but it soon got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Jones, I wonder if you could tell me about this?" he said pointing to the bowl.
"Oh yes", she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the village several months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And, do you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Two Mexican police are investigating the murder of a local Juan Rodriguez.
Selina turned to her partner and asked, "So what do you think?"
To which her partner Carlos, replied, "I think that he was shot be a golf gun."
Selina said, "I've never heard of a golf gun before."
To which Carlos replied, "Well, it sure made a hole in Juan!"