A couple in their late nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup with their GP, the doctor told them that they were physically all right however they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that evening while watching TV, the husband rose from his chair.
"I'm going to the kitchen", he said. "Do you want anything?"
His wife replied, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream".
"Sure", he said.
"Don't you think that you should write it down so that you remember?" his wife asked
"No, I can remember it!" he replied.
She then said, "Well I would like some strawberries on top and some whipped cream. I'm certain that you will forget that so write it down!"
Irritated, the old man said, "I don't need to write it down.I can remember ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I've got it for goodness sake!"
Then he toddled off to the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"
The GP rang his patient and said, "I have bad news for you. Your test results have come back and you definitely have COVID-19."
The patient said, "That's awful, what happens now?"
The doctor replied, "Well, it looks like you have a bad case, so we are going to have to admit you to hospital and be put in a room by yourself in strict isolation."
The doctor then said, "You will spend all of your time in a special single person ward and will be fed on a diet of flounder, pizza and pancakes."
The patient asked, "A diet of flounder, pizza and pancakes, will that cure me?"
"No", replied the doctor, "but they are easy to slide under the door!"
A chap went into hospital to have a cyst removed from his leg.
After the operation the surgeon approached him in the recovery room.
"I am sorry to tell you that there has been a mix up and there is good news and bad news", said the surgeon.
The patient panicked and asked, "What is the bad news?"
The surgeon explained, "There was a mix up in the order of patients and both of your legs have been amputated!"
"That's dreadful", the patient cried out, "What's the good news?"
"The fellow in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."
98 year old Mr Smith went to see his doctor.
"Doc", he said, "I would like a complete check up. I am marrying a 25 year old woman next week and I want to make sure that I am in tip top shape."
The doctor gave him medical and then said, "At your age you should be taking things easy. In fact it might be a good idea to take in a young, energetic lodger."
Six months later the doctor ran into the old fellow in the street and he asked, "How is married life?"
"Wonderful", came the reply, "I am pleased to say that my wife is pregnant!"
"Ah, excellent", said the doctor, "And did you take my advice about a lodger."
With a twinkle in his eye, the old fellow replied, "Yes, she's pregnant too!"
Given her religious proclivities, the second wife of one of our most famous prime ministers was very very worried when he passed away. She needed to know whether or not he made it to heaven.
Using information only available to a special few, she telephoned heaven.
"This is the Virgin Mary", said the receptionist, "may I help you?"
The wife said, "This is Mrs Hawke, has Bob arrived yet?"
"No"', came the reply.
A little later she repeated the call.
"This is the Immaculate Mary, Mother of God, May I help you?"
"This is the Immaculate Mary, Mother of God, May I help you?"
She rang again the next day and the call was answered differently, "G'day, this is Mary, what can I do for you?"
Blanche turned to her friends and said, "Bob's in heaven!"
Presidential One Liners ...
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
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Still haven't decided where to go for Easter. The Living Room or The Bedroom.
Advice: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Home-schooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Summer Time to the Twilight Zone.
This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My Fat Life just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet bowl.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Loungeles
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….
