|
A church in the Southern USA appointed a new preacher. While the congregation had high hopes for the new pastor the organist was not impressed. On his first Sunday morning the preacher thundered from the pulpit threatening, hectoring and frightening church goers such over the next couple of weeks that attendances started to drop. The organist had an idea. The following Sunday morning the pastor preached on the subject, We should all dedicate our service to God. The organist lead with the song, "We shall not be moved'! The next week saw a sermon on tithing and how the preacher expected that members of the congregation should pay 30% of their income to the church. The organist followed playing, "Jesus Paid it All". On the third week the pastor preached on the topic of gossip and he went read in the face as he demanded that everyone should watch their tongues. The organist then played, "I Love to Tell the Story". With all this going on the preacher became very angry and the following Sunday he told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The organist immediately played, "Oh, Why Not tonight."! The then next Sunday the pastor stood up and made the following announcement, "I came to this church because of Jesus. I am now leaving because I see that Jesus would rather that I had a congregation that appreciates me." The organist quickly played, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."! A wealthy English businessman who take taken up golf with a passion long dreamed of playing golf at Wentworth in Surrey. One weekday when he knew that the course wouldn't be too busy he took a chance and drove to the Club. Entering the Clubhouse he asked the Club Secretary if he might play the course. The Club Secretary asked if he was a member. "No, I'm afraid not." came the reply. "Guest of member?" asked the Club Secretary. "No", he answered. "Sorry, Sir. I cannot help you", said the Club Secretary. As the disappointed businessman turned to leave he saw a familiar figure seated in the lounge, reading The London Times. It was Lord Parnham, who was the President of a charity to which the businessman had donated two millions pounds the previous year. He approached, bowed low and said, "Pardon me, Your Lordship," and he introduced himself. His Lordship nodded in recognition. The businessman went on, "I wonder if I could crave Your Lordship's indulgence. May I play this beautiful course today as your guest?" His Lordship looked the businessman up and down and asked, "Church?" "Church of England Sir. Member of the synod", came the reply. "Education?" "Eton, Sir, followed by a Masters at Oxford." "Sport?" "Rugby, Sir, played cricket for England in two tests, a spot of tennis and number four on the rowing crew that defeated Cambridge." "Service?" "Brigadier, sir. Coldstream Guards, Victoria Cross in the Gulf War." "Languages?" "Private tutor in French, fluent German, and conversational Greek, Italian and Spanish." His Lordship considered briefly, then nodded to the Club Secretary and said, "Nine holes." A white horse ambled into a bar and ordered a beer. "Funny thing," said the barman, "We've got a whisky named after you." "What?" responded the horse. "Timmy?" Five bikers walked into a country pub and, having order their beers, told the lone drinker at the other end of the bar to shout them. "No way", came the reply. At this the bikers went up to the man, punched him and threw him out the door. After a couple of minutes one of the bikers said to the barman, "Not much of a fighter was he?" The barman looked back and said, "Not much of a driver either. He's just driven his truck over five Harley Davidsons."
|
