Look at the picture first and then read the story: This actually happened in France to an Englishman who was totally drunk. A French policeman stopped the Englishman's car and asked if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he had been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to breath test the Englishman and verified that he was indeed completely hammered. He asked the Englishman if he knew why, under French law, he was going to be arrested. The Englishman answered with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?
In the first decade of the Twentieth Century a young cockney lad was born along Cheapside just down from St Mary Le Bow Church. The family were very poor and at a very young age the boy had to go to work on a variety of part-time and odd jobs rather than go to school. As a result he never learned how to read or write. While he was not old enough to fight in World War One, his 14th birthday took place just after Armistice Day in November 1918. The boy's mother told him that he had a get a regular job that would employ him for the rest of his life. The mother was at the local butcher's shop when a friend told her that a new toilet block was being constructed just near Bank Station and that they were looking for a "Men's Convenience Assistant'. The mother packed the young lad off to apply for the job. He was interviewed by an old chap sitting by a kerosene fire who said, "Right ho, you can start. Fill out this form". The boy said, "I can't read or write!" "Well", said the old bloke, "you don't qualify for the job." So the boy started off to go home. On the way home he passed a greengrocer's shop and he purchased a dozen apples for five pence. Standing outside St Paul's Cathedral he resold individual apples to tourists and visitors for 2 pence each, making a profit of 19 pence. Years passed and thirty years later he finished up with twenty fruit shops and finally became a millionaire. One day at his bank, having just made a large deposit, the bank manager asked him to sign some papers. "Sorry", he said, "I can't read or write!" The manager said, "You can't read or write. You are such an able businessman. Good heavens, what would you have become if you had been able to read and write?" "I can tell you", the man said, "I would be working as an assistant at that toilet block near Bank Station!" An extremely wealthy American family commissioned a well known historian to write the family history. However, the family had a carefully guarded secret and the author was told that he had to be very careful about the delicate situation of Uncle Jackson. This was the Uncle Jackson whose life of crime had ended up with his execution in the electric chair in the 1920s. "Don't come out and say this", the author was told. "Just skirt around his life and unhappy ending." When the family history was completed the following entry was written about Uncle Jackson. "Uncle Jackson occupied a chair of applied electronics in one of our leading government institutions. He was held to the post by the closest of ties and his death came as a real shock." The butcher was new in the town and he was just getting to know his customers. One in particular was old Mrs Green. Each Wednesday morning she came in and ordered four slices of bacon, a kilo of sausages, four lamb chops and 14 cans of dog food. This went on for months and eventually curiosity got the better of him and the butcher asked, "Mrs Green, how many dogs do you have?" A little embarrassed Mrs Green told the butcher that there was no dog. She was buying the dog food for her husband who ate a tin for lunch and another one for dinner every day of the week. The butcher was horrified. "You shouldn't let him eat that", he cautioned. "It's not fit for human consumption! At the rate that he's putting it away, I wouldn't be surprised if it killed him before much longer." "Don't you think that I have told him that?" replied Mrs Green "But he loves the taste and it's all that he wants. Anyway, it's none of your concern. Just fill my order please." And so it continued, until one Wednesday Mrs Green came in with her weekly order and didn't ask for any cans of dog food. "You've finally talked some sense into your husband and he's given up pet food", the butcher said. Mrs Green burst into tears and said, "My husband was buried yesterday." The butcher stared and said, "I told you that the dog food would finish him off one day." "It wasn't the dog food", sobbed the widow. "Last Friday afternoon he was sitting in the middle of the road scratching himself when he started to chase a car. A bus coming the other way ran over him!" The Three Little Pigs with A Picture of Father on the Wall A road train was heading along the main track to Alice Springs when it struck and killed a feral boar. The carcass was in pretty good nick so the driver picked it up and sold it to an outback pub out the back of beyond. "I'll give you $100 for it", the publican said, "we are just about out of meat and there are no deliveries until next week." A commercial traveller was stopping at the pub. At dinner the publican explained that they had just received a delivery of fresh pig and offered him a choice of roast pork, grilled pork chops or ham on the bone. The traveller took the roast and afterwards complimented the publican on the pork. "Glad you liked it", he said. "For breakfast tomorrow you can have pork chops, bacon, brawn or ham. We don't waste anything around here." "Sounds good", said the traveller. "Before I retire for the evening, may I have a glass of water?" The publican replied, "Yes, mate but we've only got bore water here." "Crickey", exclaimed the traveller, You're right. You don't waste anything, do you?"
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