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An elderly man went into confession and said to the priest, "Father, I am 90 years old, married, have four children, 11 grandchildren and three great-grandchildren and last night I had an affair." The man went on, "I made love to two thirty year old women. Both of them. Twice." The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time that you were in confession?" The man replied, "Never, Father, I'm not religious." The priest asked, "So, why are you telling me?" The answer came back, "Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone!" A person who was 65 years old went to the doctor? The doctor was told, "I would like a check up and assessment as to whether or not I am likely to live to 90." After a routine physical, the GP proceeded to ask a series of questions: "Do you smoke?" "No" "Do you drink alcohol?" "No "Do you do drugs?" "No" Do you eat rib-eye steak, lamb or other barbecued red meat? "No" "Do you eat dessert as part of your evening meal?" "No" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking or riding a bicycle? "No" "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex? "No" The doctor looked at the patient and said, "Well, why do you want to live to 90?" An 98 year old man went to his doctor to have a physical examination. Several days later the doctor met the man walking down the street with a beautiful young woman on his arm. The doctor asked, "How are you going?" The man replied, "Just doing what you told me Doc!" "What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well you said, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful", the man responded. "No", the doctor replied, I said, "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!" A man was talking to his best friend in a bar. He said, "My wife's birthday is coming up and I don'y know what to get her. She has everything and try as I may I can't come up with anything." His friend said, "Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can a champagne dinner for two followed by two hours of romance. She will probably be thrilled." The man took his friend's advice and gave his wife the certificate. The next day he saw his friend at the bar. "Did you follow my suggestion about the certificate. How did it go?" "Yes, I did," the man replied, "She was thrilled. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling: "I'll be back around midnight." After all of the trouble with COVID-19 in nursing homes, a local Federal MP decided that he should visit one near his office. Arrangements were made and the owner, the administrative staff and all of the residents lined up in the lounge area to greet him. The politician worked the room well and had a brief conversation with everyone. EVERYBODY was most impressed and seemed to be enthusiastic about his visit. However, one man sat in the corner and didn't come near him. He went over to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The old man replied, "No, but don't worry, you can ask at Reception and they will tell you!"
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