Ross Schweitzer presents:
We have developed a new Unit of Measure: A British Standard Screen Full. It relates to Birthday Presents and applies when visiting is grandchildren not permitted. There is a variable, as expressed by the equation:
P(t) Where (t) equates to the total number of presents. 
P(1) Where (1) equates to the presents received on the actual Birthday.
P(z) Where (z) equates to the presents received on the Zoom Day.
P(o) Where (o) equates to the number of presents ordered.
P(3) where (c) equates to the presents bought in store.
P(d) where (d) equates to the ordered presents that were delivered on time.
P(l) where (l) equates to the ordered presents not arrived.
P(n) where (e) equates to presents received at other locations.
P(p) where (p) equates to presents kept until a visit is possible.
P(x) where (x) equates to presents later spontaneously added by the grandparent/s. 😂

P(t)= P2-P1+Pz-Po-P3Pd+Pl+Pn+Pp+Px
NB: With values Pp and Px, Units of Gift are random upward numbers. 
You may choose to use this formula. The variable is this: Buying yourself a new large screen TV may not increase the number of presents, only the visibility of said items in HD.
My friends (?) in the Czech Republic likewise vouch for Grandparents’ Rights [Práva prarodičů] and dismiss the complaints of their son or daughter vždy to tak bylo it was ever thus. The Czechs are knowledgeable, wise, and stoic people. Somewhat like the Good Citizens of Bayern or Bloemfontein; but with a sense of humour.
But I digress:
Herr Angerer sent me an email. Addressed to me and not on the presumption that I am Secretary. I responded, in part, ‘Look, you didn’t send a write receipt with your email. As Past Secretary I need to point this out’. Yesterday I sent out my ‘if you do not get this email let me know’ to a person  who insisted that they were not getting our Bulletin. They replied! How is this possible I hear you ask? [I had sent my email to the ‘other’ address. I had obtained it via my spies]. There is also an error in the spelling of this person’s street, I add. Herr Gilbert has written it. I will not be telling him; he is 89 and the shock will be too great.
The Club knew, prior to President Edwards, that Google ‘loses’ mail. It was attested many Moons ago to me. The Member said, ‘everyone knows that I used Microsoft’. The problem was not ‘everyone’ knew. It was not passed on to the Incoming Secretary. I made it my task to utilise the ClubRunner platform. It is near impossible to ‘hack’ and provides immediate connectivity to the Rotary World, not just the Mount Eliza Bubble.
Where there is a random error, and ‘people’ say they did not get something, they handily presume the error is with the sender. Mostly wrong, trust me. In addition, [not only Rotarians] who say that they did not receive a message, mostly never fess up that they in fact did. I did not read the second sentence / I have not looked at my messages! [this was said to me, really]. The cat ate it.
Chris, being an astute counsellor, said that it is never their fault. Try as I may, including adopting a really short haircut, with matching toothbrush moustache, wearing my Bamberg hat, a leather jacket and driving a black Mercedes Cabriolet with the top always down, I’m still being accused of actually being the Secret Secretary. ClubRunner has a single, unduplicated Data Base. There is no secret / separate list for any category. None. If you are not on it, you will not appear on attendance, Membership, Type of Member, Club Visitors and Guests, Committees, PHF etcetera. DG Mark ‘started me’ [and others] with it.
Mr Angerer suggested:  ‘Ross, I think you should say ‘I am not to blame and am only following Chris' orders’. He added ‘But always help others. Dial 1 – 800 – ROSS’ smiley
Be in good health, my regards,